Abba's Child

I have been reading this book called "Abba's Child." Bill asked me to pick it up and read it when I first met with him back in December. I am almost done with this book and I got to admit, I am sadden to be almost done. This book has become such a strength for me, where many nights I would stay up and ask God to speak to me through this book and He did each time, so differently and so uniquely.

If you haven't picked up a copy of this book, I suggest this be on the top of your list. For me this book has changed my outlook on how I view myself and not just that, but has changed my relationship with my God in a way that has helped me grow in areas that I thought would take forever to diminish.

I grew up in the church my whole life, I can remember being in preschool singing, Father Abraham or This little light of Mine and embracing God has my creator, but growing up it was so hard to embrace just being a child of God. Of course I heard it plenty of times growing up, I knew it and believed it, but walking in it and embracing this truth was so hard for me. When I first met with Bill, he saw this, he saw how hard it was for me to walk in being a child of God. I believe most people struggle with this because it is such a concept that is beyound us. Most of us grew up in broken homes where our fathers were to protray the very nature of our Heavenly Father, but for most of us, this example was far off from what God intended Fathers to be like. For me, I grew up with my mom being my mom and dad, until she married my stepdad when I was the age of 12 and as excited I was to finally have a father figure, my hopes and dreams shattered when my stepfather was not the example that I knew my Lord wanted for me. So growing up in my teenage years became difficult for me to understand that I served a God who loved me unconditionally even when I made mistakes, even when I failed and even when I sinned. That His arms were wide open, that I didn't have to be anyone else but myself to be accepted into the family of God. That with all my brokeness and baggage He has His arms wide open, waiting for me to come to Him, with no strings attached.

In "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning God has been abled to open doors of freedom within my heart concerning my relationship with Him in a way that I have never experienced before. My times with Him are becoming more intimate and unique where I am left wanting more and wanting to experience more of Him and who He is. In this life, there is so many uncertanity's that we will face, but we can truly rest in the certanity and truth that we are a child of God, that He is our Abba and we belong to the beloved. Nothing can change or erase that.

I AM

There is this song by Nicole Nordeman called, "I AM" and today I was reminded of this song. There is something about this song and lyrics that bring me at such peace with my Lord. I remember the first of the year when I was going through some things, I would play this song on my laptop over and over and fall asleep. It seemed the only thing that would calm my pain, storms and rage inside of me and leave me at complete peace that my God was with me.

"You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I AM"

This is just some of the song, one that happens to be one of my favorite parts. There is just something about a song that is put together with the right lyrics, music and singer that moves my heart in many ways. Especially a song like this, many times I would find myself crying as I would sing this song until I would fall asleep and I ALWAYS knew and trusted that my God was with me, that He was the I AM in each circumstance.

I haven't listened to this song in a while and today when I heard it for the first time in a while today my spirit was completely moved, not out of saddness, but out of completely joy and adoration of my wonderful Lord. I have seen His faithfulness, strength, provision, compassion, grace, mercy, justice and love in my life more than I could ever imagine. Each time I face something in life or am tested I never forget that my God is God, that He is soverign and although my circumstances at times seem like an eternity, I know that "weeping with last for night, but joy will come in the morning."

Sometimes I wonder why God allowed certain things in my life and yet each circumstance I am completely grateful, the times that I became angry at God, have become a time of thankfulness. He truly shown me what it means to be His daughter and there is something about being loved by my King that brings me joy, comfort and peace.

I know that however God allows me to be on this earth I will face trials and tribulations. Jesus said "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." And there is something about His word that changes my heart and whole outlook on life and each day I am realizing that He is enough to sustain me in this life, when all is forsaken and gone, my God remains and He is I AM.

The Gift of Life

On my stop this morning to the Starbucks down the street from my house, God blessed me with something out of the odinary. If you know me at all, you know that the littlest things in life bring such joy and warmth to my heart and God uses the little things to bless me and speak to me.

This morning as I was waiting in line for my tall white chocolate mocho with Soy milk there was a very pregnant lady waiting. I got to admit I just love pregnant woman, talking with them and hearing their experience of what it is like to carry a child inside of them. I got to admit I looked over at the graceful woman in her comfty clothes who looked to be a good 6-7 months pregnant and in the depth of my heart was so blessed by just being able to see another woman in the midst of carrying the gift of life.

When I got to my car, I began to just thank God for the gift of life that He so gracefully gives us and began to thank Him that one day He will give me the opportunity to carry a child of mine. I will be honest and say that I always dreamed and desired one day of being a wife and also a mother, that I wanted this to be my number one ministry in life. I desire to raise children with great mercy and grace, that they would one day become great warriors for Jesus Christ.

I do children's ministry at my church and each week that I get to see those little one's I am truly blessed beyound words. I love spending that hour and a half with them while their parents go and get fed by the word. Each one of them is so unique in their character. One of my favorites is Maya, she is half white and asian and each time I see her she has the most beautiful smile in the world. She is two and brings such joy to my heart each time I get to hang out with her. She is always fashionable looking adorable. My favorite is when she wears her pink boots and shows them off.

Each time I see these kids, God not only gives me a glimpse of how one day He will bless me to be able to being a mother, but He also just gives me a glimpse of Heaven. I see these children and they have yet to learn the responsibility of life and the trials that come along with it. They are sweet, innocent and so pure at heart, just like Heaven. The sparkle in their eyes each time they see you and you smile and laugh with him, just reminds me of the glory to be revealed when we asscend to home.

I love how the Lord knows my heart so well, I love that no matter what I am going through, His beauty brings me to my knees in complete adoration of His majesty. God is teaching me so much, growing me and showing me each day that His plans for my life are good, that my desires for the future are good and who knows what is going to happen tomorrow or next week, all I know is that I want to follow Him in ALL things and be a witness to this world that says there is hope, peace and love walking with Christ.

Freedom

I met with Bill the other night. Bill is the campus pastor at the University that I attend and a man that I have had a few sessions with to share and receive guidance from. Each time I go there I got to admit, it's challenging and eye opening at the same time. He is not afraid to push me to think and dig deep into the inner core of my being. It's always an unsettling thing to walk through the heart at times. But I got to admit something, in the last weeks, I am beginning to find freedom in the inner core of my being.

A couple of weeks ago I went with some friends and played frisbee golf for the first time. There was a huge group of us and after about the 9th hole I ended up getting hit in the mouth by a frisbee. The hit causes me to get 7 stitches. For two days straight I was at home resting because my lip was so swollen, I couldn't talk and eat. In the midst of getting my stitches in my mouth I was a little frighten, I have never experienced this type of injury. I was the kid growing up who never had stitches, broke an arm or leg, the nurse told me, "I think you are 23 years over due." When I got called in to get stitches, my friend wasn't allowed to come in the room with me and I was worried, I wanted someone I knew with me during the procedure. As I layed on the bed while the nurse was grabbing all her tools, the tears welped in my eyes and I began to pray silently asking God to meet me, to comfort me and hold me in His arms. After the stitches were put in my lip and the nurse left to get my paperwork, I began to get teary eyed again because it was that moment where I knew where my God was, He was right with me, I just knew it, it wasn't that I felt Him, it was just that I just knew that I knew that I knew. I began to thank Him and praise Him for walking me through this experience.

The reason why I bring up this whole situation was becasue the night before I had a long conversation with the Lord about certain things. That night I just cried, cried and cried, it was all I could do, asking Him where He is at in this season that I am, asking Him to meet me, be with me, comfort me, guide me. The next day I got hit in the lip and I love how God uses such a circumstance like this to speak to my heart. The next couple of days of being home, God began to remind me of how much He loves me, began to remind me of His great plans for my life, His spirit just poured into my heart with complete adoration of who He is, the great, almighty, wonderful King.

I am beginning to experience freedom from so many trials that I have experienced in my 13 years of walking with Christ. God has been able to walk with me into the deepest parts of my heart and remind me of how much He loves me, even in my sinful nature, even in my mistakes, even with all the baggage that I bring to the table. The amazing thing about this season in the last couple of months is I remember when Bill asked me, "Tiffany, do you trust that He in enough." I remember sitting there on the other side in his office, thinking. I have experienced this before, I know He is enough, but this time it is different, I am not the same I was 2 years ago and the circumstances I am facing aren't like others in my life. After that night meeting with Bill I began to ask the Lord to show me how to walk in His sufficiency, trusting Him with everything and I got to admit, it's there, it is real and I am experiencing, He is enough, when my whole world is crashing down and I have nothing left, He is enough, He just is.