Changes

I changed my blog to a new forum at the following url: http://tiffanycoldiron.wordpress.com/

I will post blogs from now on at this address.

Blessings :)

Beauty

"Why so much heartache over beauty? We don't ache over being geniuses, or fabulous hockey players. Woman ache over the issue of beauty-they ache to be beautiful, to believe they are beautiful, and they worry over keeping it if ever they can find it..........A Woman knows, down in her soul, that she longs to bring beauty to the world. She might be mistaken on how (something every woman struggles with), but she longs for a beauty to unviel. This is nto just culture, or the need to "get a man." This is in her heart, part of her design." - Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

Have you ever sat around a group of woman and discussed the matters of the heart within? I know I have and from each individual I have shared and listened with, it seems to be all the same, it is exactly what Stasi Eldredge says in the above paragraph, we woman ache to be beautiful.

Living in a culture that puts status on woman to be this height, this size, this color or this certain character causes distress and feeling out of place if you don't reach that "status quo." I often found myself in striving and striving for perfection, trying to attain a certain level of beauty. Maybe it was the new outfit, the new make-up, if I just got my hair done a different way, what if I went to the gym 5 times a week or what if I stocked up on all the books in how to be beautiful. I do believe that it is a good thing to take care of yourself and try different things, but when it becomes your only way of life, what else is there to live for? About 4 years ago, I was the girl at the gym twice a day, one on the morning and one at night, I was the girl who counted every single calorie I ate and never exceeded my limit. I would buy all kinds of make-up and clothes to look the part, when deep down inside, I had no idea what part I was to play. Struggling through life and trying to "find myself" didn't help at all and dating the men I did left me questioning even more. When they would tell me how beautiful I was, I would often wonder, "What is the meaning behind those words, is it because I truly am or is it because they want something in return?" Questions after questions rose up in my mind and heart, what does it mean to be beautiful and how do I get there? And with all these questions, I found much heartache in the midst of it.

How does a woman walk into her womahood, knowing that she is beautiful no matter what her culture or people tell her? Is she beautiful just because of her looks or is she beautiful because her heart is pure? From experience, I don't believe there is a formula to any of these questions in how to answer them. What I do know is that as I type this as a 24 year old woman, I have found for the first time in my life what it truly means to be beautiful and walk in it. Now, don't get me wrong, I still have imperfections, there are times that I strive too much and there are days when I wake up not feeling "beautiful," but at the end of the day what is truly going to matter? How I did my hair or how I lived a life that glorifies the Lord? Beauty to me is walking in grace with my Lord, knowing that no matter what I am loved by Him. In Romans chapter 8, Paul tells us that nothing can seperate us from the love of Christ. I often thought many times in my life, that I could seperate myself from His love, that every mistake I made, was giving me back steps away from Him. Yet, Paul clearly states that NOTHING can seperate us from that love. And it's not a love that requires work, but it is an everlasting love that comes with grace and mercy.

And maybe for you, to know you are beautiful is to fully receive that love, that is so abundant, for me that was the case and I can't even begin to express how amazimg it feels to captivate that love with my whole heart. I know that life will have it's challenges as I walk in this new journey of womanhood, but I am not afraid anymore, I don't need to walk in fear because I know who my God is. And it is beacuse of that knowing that gives me the freedom to know that I am beautiful.

My Paper on the Emerging Church

I have been writing a paper on the critisicm of the Emerging Church for my writing class and this Thursday I have to send in my final draft. As I got a chance to share with the students in my class on this idea, it was suprising to me to see how many people haven't heard of this movement (although the people who have brought this idea call it a "conversation") I get the sense that people don't care or there is no interest. For me, I find this conversation extremely important to notice.

After doing much research on this broad topic I have found some very interesting thoughts, ideas and opinions on this idea. I have read Brian McLaren's thoughts behind the start of this conversation and have read conservative christians back fire with their own thoughts and opinions on this rather controversial concept. Wikipedia gives a well definition that says, "The emerging church is a controversial 21st-century Protestant movement whose participants seek to engage postmodern people, especially the unchurched and the post-churched. To accomplish this, "emerging Christians" seek to deconstruct and resonstruct Christian beliefs, standards, and methods to accomodate postmodern culture." When I first read this my first thought was, "deconstruct and reconstruct Christian beliefs?" I believe there is some truth to that statement and yet I also believe there is a part of that statement where we need to be careful with how far deconstruct certain things.

It's such an interesting topic to talk about and discuss and those who I have had the priveledge to distect this idea, it has been encouraging in many ways. I believe Brian McLaren who is one of the participants in this movement has some good ideas such as bringing more of a love and openess for people in this culture, where Christianity is well known for its judgments, rather than its loving kindness. But I am also astonished by how certain christians who are speaking against this conversation in harsh words and it causes division instead of unity. Erwin McManus who is the founding pastor of Mosaic in Los Angeles states, "Is it possible that the greatest enemy to what God is doing in the world is the church? The established church is supposed to be the womb of the emerging church. Emerging is not a noun it is a verb. It is not a kind of church but the promise that the church will always prevail." I just love that statement.

Writing this paper has caused me to re-evaluate my own life as a Christian and how am I using my life to glorify the Lord in unity. It's so easy to point the finger and critize till you are blue in the face and yet truly where does it lead? Do we speak, just to be right, or do we speak to truly edify and encourage? I am not saying that we shouldn't share truth in love, but how do we go about it and does it cause us to look at another person in a judgemental way or does it help us to also look at ourselves? I think many times we pass judgment on the way churches to do things because they might differ from us, but if they are speaking truth then what does it matter? If the Emerging Church is "a group of people who are talking about the Gospel and church and mission, especially in terms of changes going on in our culture that some people call a shift from modern to postmoden culture," (participant Brian McLaren) and in this shift is speaking truth out in a way that defines truly what Jesus did here 2,000 years ago, shouldn't we also re-evaluate truly what it means to spread the gospel? Should we not also take into account how we have made that possible?

These are intersting questions that I find myself thinking about. I am not saying that I am fully for the "Emerging Church" or fully against it, I am just saying that God causes us to check our own motives in how we are living out the gospel in our daily lives and could it be the "Emerging Church" is helping us to do?

Waiting

It's early Sunday morning and I am awake. In the last months I find myself waking up earlier and earlier each day maybe it's because I am finding much joy in the mornings. I often find God's whispers in the morning. Does anyone else feel this way?

I woke up this morning with many thoughts in my head. So, I got done taking a shower and then I grabbed my "Streams in the Desert" devotional I have had for 5 years. Tina (my wonderful mentor) gave it to me the morning after I broke off my engagment to my first boyfriend (that was a hard season, but the best decision I ever made). And for some reason the last year I have found great comfort from this devotional. This morning it talked about Waiting on the Lord. Just the thought of "waiting" makes me nervous. Most of my life I haven't been much of an impatient person, I just go and go and go, many times I find myself running before God, then waiting for Him. And waking up this morning was no exception. Already I was bonbarded with tons of things to go and do and as I started reading the verse for this morning says, "Therefore will the Lord wait, that he may be gracious unto you....blessed are all they wait for him." (Isaiah 30:18) As I read that verse I was grabbed in the heart about my own daily walk with the Lord, how often times I find msyelf not waiting at all.

In the devotional the author says something that truly just opened my eyes, "We should not only understand the importance of our waiting on God but also the realize something even more wonderful-the Lord waits on us." I don't know about you, but that very thought just brings me to my knees. The truth that He does wait on us, even when we are little brats, even when we turn out backs on Him and even when we choose to not obey or listen, He waits. It's such a powerful realization for me, that my God, the creator of the heavens and earth, waits on me and because He waits on me, it causes me to re-evalute how I should also wait on Him. And so this morning as I begin my busy day, I will be reminded that when I want to get ahead of God, He graciously reminds me to wait on Him, that I can trust even when I don't see what is going on and the more and more I think about that very truth, it brings comfort to my heart. I don't have to worry or wonder what is going to happen the next day or tomorrow, that I can wait on Him and know that He will not fail me, He never has and He never will.

to truly love means.........

"...to truly love means to give yourself for others. To give yourself entails accepting disappiontment and laying yourself open to suffering. To suffer - if you do so in the close company of Christ means ultimately to reign with Him." -Be Still My Soul by Elizabeth Elliot

As I sat in my bed yesterday reading this portion of the book I thought to myself, "Lord, do I truly love?" I don't mean a superficial love with all the fuzzy's and joyful bliss (althoug love does have that) but I mean the true choice of loving, even if it means getting hurt in return, even if it means not getting what I want and even if it means pain? Most of us can agree that we love on a conditional basis. We are a culture that hangs onto the "me, me, me" mentality. It's that selfish desire inside of us that wants what we want and chooses what we choose. If love is a choice, why do we choose to love when it is convientant for us? Is it because we fully haven't received the full acceptance of God's unconditional love or is it because the culture says love someone only when they love you back? I believe it is a mixture of both.

Paul speaks in Ephesians 5:2 "And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Now, I am no theology expert, but I do get the sense that there is a commandent that Paul says we are to "walk in Love." It's an action that is to take place in our daily lives. As I read this part of scripture I am convicted that I don't pratice this as often as I think I do (O'Lord break me of my pride). Many times ay work I find myself cutting others down then building them up, getting annoyed by the way they do things or how they live their life. I don't allow the single woman pass me up on the freeway when she needs to get over and I often choose to befriend those who benefit me in a good way. Ouch!

I delight and also convicted by Elizabeth Elliots wisdom behind this, "To give yourself entails accepting disappiontment and laying yourself open to suffering." Wow, what a profound, truthful statement and what better example of this whole act, then Jesus Christ Himself, who humbled himself to the point of death and death on the cross. That is a true act of love, love that passes my little pee brain. And if we are to be intimators of Christ, is this not exactly how we are to be? Christ himself suffered because of his love and we ought to do the same thing, no matter the cost or the price behind it. That we would lay down our pride, arrogance, selfishness and have our hearts open and willing to be open to love in a way that touches peoples lives for the Kingdom.

I am conviced that living a life of submission and sacrafice to the Lord is the only way to live, even if that means showing love to the neighboor next to you, who causes more harm then good. I love that verse, "Love covers a multitude of sins." It covers a MULITUDE, that is huge. Maybe it's calling up a family member who you haven't talked to in a while and thanking them for the good things they did for you in your life (we focus so much on the negativity) or maybe it's apologizing to a person who you have wronged. Whatever the cost of love may be to you or to I, may we never misunderstand that God calls us to love as He has love.

As we continue to seek the Lord, draw close to Him, He will show us those opportunties and chances to truly love and give yourself up, even if that means to suffer. It's in that suffering and pain that we are partaking with Christ, that we are reigning with Him and if that is truly the end result of it all, isn't it worth the risk?

Seasons

I have been going through events of emotions the last week and as I shared with a friend last night, I asked for prayer, "I have been feeling anxious" and I am not sure why (maybe I do know). She asked if I was going on any of the GO trips and I shared with her I leave for New Orleans. Many times throughout the day I find myself in tears praying that God would once again meet me where I am at right now in life. I feel so unsure about so many things. It's like I am being tossed in the midst of this lifestyle, trying to figure out exactly where it is I am supposed to stand and maybe it's not about where I stand, but WHO I stand on.

I remember one time when I saw Bill, I asked him, "Bill sometimes I just don't like the fact that I am emotional." And I remember he said, "Tiffany that is the way God created you, now give him thanks, but don't allow it to control you." That is always Bill's response on certain things, "Give Thanks."

It's been hard the last couple of months, I am not going to lie. There is joy in the midst of pain, Jesus Christ himself had joy when he was enduring the cross, "...looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith, who for the JOY that was set before him endured the cross..." This verse in Hebrews chapter 12 has been my life verse, that Jesus Christ himself endured the cross with the joy set before him. That is such a beautiful reality there and many times when I feel like the pain is so real, when the tears just don't stop coming and I find myself alone, I can look to Jesus and be reminded that He himself understands. He knows what it feels like to experience pain, but there is the light at the end of the tunnel.

Ecclesiastes speaks, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven........a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance...." And for right now there is a season for me and the only thing that is keeping me going each day is knowing that my God promises us, "And we know ALL things work together for good, for those who love the Lord." In times when it doesn't "feel" like things are working out for the good, I must trust and rely on this truth, that God never goes back on His word, that He is faithful and I don't have to rely on what I am feeling to know that God is near.

The Joy of Praying

Tonight is "Seek God: weekly Prayer" at my church. I have faithfully been attending for the last couple of months in the evening (they have one in the morning) and each time I go it is usually something different than what we did the previous week. I am truly amazed how God has been meeting us there in the midst and proving Himself to be faithful and true.

For me this experience has changed my whole perception on prayer in my life, how I pray, what I pray for and how it needs to be a constant act of communion with my Lord. Each week I never know what they are going to ask us to pray for and last week was no exception. Last week was probably the most powerful time I have experienced. Instead of inviting the leaders and prayer team to pray over people, they asked us (the prayers) to find someone who has come forward and pray for them. For someone like me, I find such joy in praying for people and anyone who knows me well enough to know that is true of me. There is just something about lifting up your bother or sister in the Lord before our God laying our request and petitions at His feet. So last week I had the opportunity to pray for an older woman, at first I was a little nervous because she said that she needed prayer over her shoulders because they were in pain. I thought to myself, "Lord how do I pray for a woman who desires healing throughout her body?" And I just knew that the Lord spoke to my heart saying, "Don't worry about how or why, just pray." Well, I am not sure if the lady was blessed after I prayed for her, although she smiled at me and gave me a hug thanking me, but for myself after I walked away praying for that woman, it blessed me in more ways than I could imagine.

You see God was teaching me that it isn't about being specific in the sense of making sure you get your point across to Him, He knows what you are desiring in your prayer, but for me it was the sense of being willing to say, "Lord I am not sure how to pray about this situation, but God would you meet me there." Well, God met me there because to be honest I can't even remember what I prayed for, I don't remember the lady being healed, but I do remember that the spirit met me in my prayer and that to me was all that mattered.

I get the sense that God desires for us to expect Him to move in our hearts. So many times we doubt that God hears us and desires to answers us, whatever the prayer may be, maybe it's for the family down the street who struggles to survive, maybe it's your co-worker who speaks hateful comments, but deep inside is so broken or maybe it's a family member that doesn't know Christ. It can be numerous of things that God desires for us to come to Him. I love how in Hebrews, it says that he desires us to come BOLDY before the throne. I dont know about you, but the word, "BOLDY" means something huge, it means don't be shy, don't be scared, but be willing to proclaim that God is asking you to come and so you come with your hands open, your heart open to what He wants to do.

Prayer has become such a huge part of my walk with God in the recent months. I have seen little things in my life be answered specifically in ways that I can't even begin to describe. Yet more importantly, I have seen the work it has done in my heart, I no longer come to God scared of what might happen, I come to God, knowing that He is going to move, whatever way He chooses to, I know He is.

Paul says, "Never cease to pray." Don't worry about using the right words or the right format, just be honest, real and open to the Lord. He desires for His children to come to Him BOLDY and expectantly knowing that He is going to move and when He moves wheather it is how you asked or how He wants, praise Him eithier way.

I am 24

It's official, I am 24 today, I can't believe it, to be honest. For some reason turning 24 is exciting. I woke up this morning getting ready for work and as I walked out the door to my car feeling beautiful with my white skirt on, I felt the quietness of the Lord today walking with me. There was just something different has I got in my car and started driving and the only thing I could think of was that God was completely reminding me that it's okay to continue to walk in this womanhood, that there is freedom in doing so. I just felt the nudge of the spirit say, "It's okay Princess, I give you the grace to go ahead and be who I created you to be." And there is peace and completeness in this season, it is just great to be here.

On my way to work I received a call from a person I hadn't talk to in while wishing me a Happy Birthday, that was a blessing and then as I walked to my desk, my cubicle is decorated with streams, ballons and even a little princess crown, that put a smile on my face and then as I opened my inbox for the day of events I saw two E-Cards, one from my ex's mother, one from an older gentleman here at work (He reminds me much of a Dad) and many other thoughtful e-mails from co-workers.

Anyhoo, I am amazed how far God has brought me in the last 6 years. Do you ever just reminisce about certain points in your life, I know that I do, sometimes too much. But it's been amazing to look back at certain events of my life and see God's hand in the midst. You know those nights of desperation, nights of crying out or the nights of just complete silence?


In this new stage of my life, I have been reading a book called, "Kingdom Triangle" by J.P. Moreland who is a well know Philosopher and Theologian. He spoke at my church about a month and a half ago about his new book and although there was some things that I didn't quite agree with that he spoke, over all it was good. So I bought the book and have been reading it little by little, only because it is EXTREMELY deep. Most people that I have talked to agree that it is one of those books that takes time to read, this book is challenging me in a whole new way, wheather it is intellectually, emotionally or spiritually. And just the other day at church I was sitting down with the man whom I am to lead a life group with and his friend. And the three of us began to discuss, "Kingdom Triangle" and a book called, "Velvet Elvis (this book is next on my list to read). One thing both these books have in common is the movement of the "Emerging Church." I don't know much about this movement, although there have been discussions in my theology class about this new crusade (although I am not sure if that is what it is) and everyone's opinions about it. It was interesting as I heard my professor share a little bit about it and his thoughts. From what I have gained in information (although I would like to read up on it more) I am truly fasicnated and encouraged by the new depth of faith in this movement.

With all this randomness in my posting, I am just so thankful that God is walking me through each step of my life, I am finding great comfort under the shadow of His wings, I am finding the quietness in my heart (even in the midst of all the voices), the silence and act of solitude in coming before the Lord and the complete dependence in knowing that He is taking care of me. And today I leave this post with a couple favorite verses of mine that I hold so close to my heart, I love how the word of God just flushes my heart with adoration for my King, even when I feel like at times I am barely holding on.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength."
-Isaiah 40:28-29

Womanhood, It's great to be here.

The other night, I got to have a deep conversation with a friend whom I hadn't seen in a while. She just got back a few months ago from a YWAM mission in New Zealand. I have to say it was so refreshing to share our hearts with one another as we sat in my car after dinner with some friends.

We both were so amazed about how much we have grown in the last couple of years. I was encouraged by the words she spoke to me about my growth, telling me that I am not the same girl I was a couple of years ago. We talked for a while about her trip and the growth process it has brought her (she is not the same little Jenni), about her new relationship with such an amazing man of God who has embraced her in ways that every girl dreams about, we then talked about my broken relationship and our passions to truly serve the Lord. It was so refreshing in more ways than I can imagine to share with someone who understands my heart, dream and goals for my life. Talking with her opened up many things I am dealing with right now in my life, but it also gave me a sense of hope to know that I am not alone.

And after I dropped her off at her car as I was driving home with the street lights on and no one insight, I began to very the ponder thought of the words she said to me. One thing she said, was, "Tiffany you are confident." She began then to describe the type of girl I was 2 years ago and if you read this and know me, you could say, I was a scared little girl, who hid behind the deepest parts of my heart. I think we all can testify that we all struggle with the sense of "hiding" in our life. Afraid to be vunerable, afraid to be real, afraid to take risk, especially if it cost us getting hurt (I know I am), but as I was driving home and reflecting on the conversation I began to thank the Lord. I began to thank Him for truly making me into a woman, for giving me the grace to walk out of being a little girl and walk into womahood.

I got to admit, it feels amazing to be in this state, not just a woman who is defined by what the world says it looks like, but what God's definition of a woman is. One of my favorite verses is in Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceitful and beauty is fading, but a woman who fears the Lord, shall be praised." I often pondered the very truth behind this scripture. What does it really mean and how does it affect my life? If you look back into the history, this Proverbs was actually directed toward young men and what kind of wife they should look for and it also teaches us woman what type of woman God wants us to be. As I read this scripture and ask God to reveal the truth for me, I see it this way: I can allow the world's standards to dictate who I am going to be, or I can allow the word of God define my character. Fearing God isn't about being afraid of who He is, but KNOWING who He is and although I don't have the Lord all figured out, I know enough to know that He is my God, I know enough to know that He is continually breaking me to be perfected in Him and I know enough to know that no matter what happens in my life, the good or the bad, He is my God.

Having that conversation with my dear friend and seeing how far God has brought us to where we are today, made me so thankful for the hardship it has been and yes I do have a journey ahead, but I realize it's not about the end of the journey, but it's about the experience through it.

"Thank you for creating me just the way that I am, with all my flaws, Lord I know you made a good thing when you created me, when you created each individual who reads this. God would you teach us to walk in your ways and truth with boldness, conviction and humility. May you become our everything in this life and as an act of worship, may we spread that "everything" onto those who are in need, that we may be your hands and feet. Amen."

It's a Journey

I will be coming up on my 24th birthday next month and I can't believe that I will be 24, it seems like yesterday when I just turned 16 and had my sweet 16 birthday party.

I always wondered where I would be when I turned in my early twenties, wondering what plan God had for me. I have had many doubts, confusion and fustration in my life, wondering where God was in the midst of pain I experienced and even sometimes joy. I remember about a month back I was driving home from someone I knew's house and we had a really deep conversation, I was silent most of the time because I wanted to allow him to speak about what was going on in his heart, even if it hurt me to pieces and I remember getting in my car and this song came on by this band called, "Casting Pearls," and I felt the spirit of the Lord comfort me in a way that I knew everything was going to be okay. And it's in those moments that I never want to let go or leave. I even remember praying, "Lord I want to hold onto this moment forever." In that moment I felt so protected, loved, cared for and completely satisfied and complete in Him.

I think I even wrote about when I got hit in the lip by a frisbee a few months back and how after the nurse put the stitches in my lip and I was laying there in the hospital room as she was finishing with my paperwork, tears began to run down my face because I knew at that moment, the spirit came to comfort me and reassure me that everything is going to be okay.

I was reminded the other day by my mentor, "Those who God uses greatly, He wounds deeply." I have had my years of deep dark moments, wrestled with heartbreak, brokeness, loneliness, wondering where I was going to find a place to live or a job to work at, fighting deep insecurities and addictions and I can't even begin to tell my story of how I have seen God pull me through in such dark moments into His love, mercy and sufficient grace. And lately I have truly been pondering the thought of who I am in Christ and although my past at times is truly painful and it hurts when I think about certain things, I have complete confidence that it doesn't define who I am, but it makes me the woman that I am today.

I still have insecurites, struggles, doubts, confusion, frustration at times in my heart, but it's different now the way that I walk about it and the way that I have allowed God to meet me. He has been meeting me in the deepest parts of my heart, the parts where I have hidden and closed off to everyone and even Him at times, but it has been so amazing to see Him wait there for me to let Him in, patiently waiting and for me, this is what freedom is defined as, this is what freedom means to me. That even in the deepest part of my heart that screams, cries and hides He is there accepting those parts, those parts that you don't like about yourself or the parts that you are afraid to show anyone else because of the rejection, but this freedom inside me has begun and has brought so much security and truth into my life.

And maybe for you this is something that you have been longing for. I believe we are a culture that is captivated by finding freedom within ourselves and yet have no idea how to go about it, so we look in other places to fulfil and bring freedom to our hearts and within those findings, God is waiting at those places of your heart, ready to cultivate you into His everlasting arms, revealing to You that freedom is true acceptance in Christ and what He did for you, that you don't have to have it all together for Him to love, adore and cherish you as His own and if that is not freedom, I have no idea what is and if that is what you are looking for, go for it, trust that He is there, waiting. If it becomes painful to invite Him in those places, trust that His love can heal and restore that pain and He isn't afraid, He isn't scared to go to the depths with you, just trust, trust and trust some more.

Abba's Child

I have been reading this book called "Abba's Child." Bill asked me to pick it up and read it when I first met with him back in December. I am almost done with this book and I got to admit, I am sadden to be almost done. This book has become such a strength for me, where many nights I would stay up and ask God to speak to me through this book and He did each time, so differently and so uniquely.

If you haven't picked up a copy of this book, I suggest this be on the top of your list. For me this book has changed my outlook on how I view myself and not just that, but has changed my relationship with my God in a way that has helped me grow in areas that I thought would take forever to diminish.

I grew up in the church my whole life, I can remember being in preschool singing, Father Abraham or This little light of Mine and embracing God has my creator, but growing up it was so hard to embrace just being a child of God. Of course I heard it plenty of times growing up, I knew it and believed it, but walking in it and embracing this truth was so hard for me. When I first met with Bill, he saw this, he saw how hard it was for me to walk in being a child of God. I believe most people struggle with this because it is such a concept that is beyound us. Most of us grew up in broken homes where our fathers were to protray the very nature of our Heavenly Father, but for most of us, this example was far off from what God intended Fathers to be like. For me, I grew up with my mom being my mom and dad, until she married my stepdad when I was the age of 12 and as excited I was to finally have a father figure, my hopes and dreams shattered when my stepfather was not the example that I knew my Lord wanted for me. So growing up in my teenage years became difficult for me to understand that I served a God who loved me unconditionally even when I made mistakes, even when I failed and even when I sinned. That His arms were wide open, that I didn't have to be anyone else but myself to be accepted into the family of God. That with all my brokeness and baggage He has His arms wide open, waiting for me to come to Him, with no strings attached.

In "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning God has been abled to open doors of freedom within my heart concerning my relationship with Him in a way that I have never experienced before. My times with Him are becoming more intimate and unique where I am left wanting more and wanting to experience more of Him and who He is. In this life, there is so many uncertanity's that we will face, but we can truly rest in the certanity and truth that we are a child of God, that He is our Abba and we belong to the beloved. Nothing can change or erase that.

I AM

There is this song by Nicole Nordeman called, "I AM" and today I was reminded of this song. There is something about this song and lyrics that bring me at such peace with my Lord. I remember the first of the year when I was going through some things, I would play this song on my laptop over and over and fall asleep. It seemed the only thing that would calm my pain, storms and rage inside of me and leave me at complete peace that my God was with me.

"You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I AM"

This is just some of the song, one that happens to be one of my favorite parts. There is just something about a song that is put together with the right lyrics, music and singer that moves my heart in many ways. Especially a song like this, many times I would find myself crying as I would sing this song until I would fall asleep and I ALWAYS knew and trusted that my God was with me, that He was the I AM in each circumstance.

I haven't listened to this song in a while and today when I heard it for the first time in a while today my spirit was completely moved, not out of saddness, but out of completely joy and adoration of my wonderful Lord. I have seen His faithfulness, strength, provision, compassion, grace, mercy, justice and love in my life more than I could ever imagine. Each time I face something in life or am tested I never forget that my God is God, that He is soverign and although my circumstances at times seem like an eternity, I know that "weeping with last for night, but joy will come in the morning."

Sometimes I wonder why God allowed certain things in my life and yet each circumstance I am completely grateful, the times that I became angry at God, have become a time of thankfulness. He truly shown me what it means to be His daughter and there is something about being loved by my King that brings me joy, comfort and peace.

I know that however God allows me to be on this earth I will face trials and tribulations. Jesus said "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." And there is something about His word that changes my heart and whole outlook on life and each day I am realizing that He is enough to sustain me in this life, when all is forsaken and gone, my God remains and He is I AM.

The Gift of Life

On my stop this morning to the Starbucks down the street from my house, God blessed me with something out of the odinary. If you know me at all, you know that the littlest things in life bring such joy and warmth to my heart and God uses the little things to bless me and speak to me.

This morning as I was waiting in line for my tall white chocolate mocho with Soy milk there was a very pregnant lady waiting. I got to admit I just love pregnant woman, talking with them and hearing their experience of what it is like to carry a child inside of them. I got to admit I looked over at the graceful woman in her comfty clothes who looked to be a good 6-7 months pregnant and in the depth of my heart was so blessed by just being able to see another woman in the midst of carrying the gift of life.

When I got to my car, I began to just thank God for the gift of life that He so gracefully gives us and began to thank Him that one day He will give me the opportunity to carry a child of mine. I will be honest and say that I always dreamed and desired one day of being a wife and also a mother, that I wanted this to be my number one ministry in life. I desire to raise children with great mercy and grace, that they would one day become great warriors for Jesus Christ.

I do children's ministry at my church and each week that I get to see those little one's I am truly blessed beyound words. I love spending that hour and a half with them while their parents go and get fed by the word. Each one of them is so unique in their character. One of my favorites is Maya, she is half white and asian and each time I see her she has the most beautiful smile in the world. She is two and brings such joy to my heart each time I get to hang out with her. She is always fashionable looking adorable. My favorite is when she wears her pink boots and shows them off.

Each time I see these kids, God not only gives me a glimpse of how one day He will bless me to be able to being a mother, but He also just gives me a glimpse of Heaven. I see these children and they have yet to learn the responsibility of life and the trials that come along with it. They are sweet, innocent and so pure at heart, just like Heaven. The sparkle in their eyes each time they see you and you smile and laugh with him, just reminds me of the glory to be revealed when we asscend to home.

I love how the Lord knows my heart so well, I love that no matter what I am going through, His beauty brings me to my knees in complete adoration of His majesty. God is teaching me so much, growing me and showing me each day that His plans for my life are good, that my desires for the future are good and who knows what is going to happen tomorrow or next week, all I know is that I want to follow Him in ALL things and be a witness to this world that says there is hope, peace and love walking with Christ.

Freedom

I met with Bill the other night. Bill is the campus pastor at the University that I attend and a man that I have had a few sessions with to share and receive guidance from. Each time I go there I got to admit, it's challenging and eye opening at the same time. He is not afraid to push me to think and dig deep into the inner core of my being. It's always an unsettling thing to walk through the heart at times. But I got to admit something, in the last weeks, I am beginning to find freedom in the inner core of my being.

A couple of weeks ago I went with some friends and played frisbee golf for the first time. There was a huge group of us and after about the 9th hole I ended up getting hit in the mouth by a frisbee. The hit causes me to get 7 stitches. For two days straight I was at home resting because my lip was so swollen, I couldn't talk and eat. In the midst of getting my stitches in my mouth I was a little frighten, I have never experienced this type of injury. I was the kid growing up who never had stitches, broke an arm or leg, the nurse told me, "I think you are 23 years over due." When I got called in to get stitches, my friend wasn't allowed to come in the room with me and I was worried, I wanted someone I knew with me during the procedure. As I layed on the bed while the nurse was grabbing all her tools, the tears welped in my eyes and I began to pray silently asking God to meet me, to comfort me and hold me in His arms. After the stitches were put in my lip and the nurse left to get my paperwork, I began to get teary eyed again because it was that moment where I knew where my God was, He was right with me, I just knew it, it wasn't that I felt Him, it was just that I just knew that I knew that I knew. I began to thank Him and praise Him for walking me through this experience.

The reason why I bring up this whole situation was becasue the night before I had a long conversation with the Lord about certain things. That night I just cried, cried and cried, it was all I could do, asking Him where He is at in this season that I am, asking Him to meet me, be with me, comfort me, guide me. The next day I got hit in the lip and I love how God uses such a circumstance like this to speak to my heart. The next couple of days of being home, God began to remind me of how much He loves me, began to remind me of His great plans for my life, His spirit just poured into my heart with complete adoration of who He is, the great, almighty, wonderful King.

I am beginning to experience freedom from so many trials that I have experienced in my 13 years of walking with Christ. God has been able to walk with me into the deepest parts of my heart and remind me of how much He loves me, even in my sinful nature, even in my mistakes, even with all the baggage that I bring to the table. The amazing thing about this season in the last couple of months is I remember when Bill asked me, "Tiffany, do you trust that He in enough." I remember sitting there on the other side in his office, thinking. I have experienced this before, I know He is enough, but this time it is different, I am not the same I was 2 years ago and the circumstances I am facing aren't like others in my life. After that night meeting with Bill I began to ask the Lord to show me how to walk in His sufficiency, trusting Him with everything and I got to admit, it's there, it is real and I am experiencing, He is enough, when my whole world is crashing down and I have nothing left, He is enough, He just is.